Horse Project 'Back in the Saddle' - why am I doing this?

Seriously - why?

Yes I want to get out competing on my beautiful boy, but why? 

It hurts, a lot. My body aches, I'm tired all the time and I fall over - a lot.

I hope I'm almost fit enough to go back to full time work, but what does that mean? What am I going to do?

I'm not asking for pity here, it's just I'm scared.

I really don't know what to do. Never been in this position before.

You see, I was told I was too ill to be looking after horses. Not by a medic, by a horseperson.

But looking after horses is what I do. Yes I'm a dressage judge and an Instructor, but you can't do those all of the time.

So I'm angry, how dare they, and I'm scared, were they right?

I love being around these beautiful animals, caring for them day by day. Getting to know their characters. It helps me train others to be aware of their own horses.

I guess a yard of my own - where I am in charge is probably the best answer. Then I could train others who want to care for horses as a profession. 

So there's a goal. A yard of my own.

How on earth can that become a possibility?